The Magner’s League has started with a bang for Nigel Davies and the Super Soaraway Scarlets. Three days before the start of the season and they are yet to lose a Magner’s League Game. “This is a tremendous record and matches our other pre-Season non-Magner’s League Magner’s League records from our previous years.” wibbled Davies.
When it was pointed out that the Scarlets had still failed to score a point in any of the non-games, Davies quipped “That’s up there with the Leinsters, Munsters and Connaughghthughts of this world. So I’m happy. The youngsters have also equipped themselves well. They’ve made sure that this success hasn’t gone to their heads, bless ‘em. Daniel Evans is only 12! He drew me a picture of Stephen Jones kicking a ball. At least I think it’s a ball. It was purple anyway and a bit square. But I’ve put that picture on my fridge. And you can’t argue with quality like that!”
Gwlad’s ace reporter tracked down Scarlets’ forwards’ coach, Paul Moriarty. “I’m no longer Scarlets’ forwards’ coach” stated ex-Scarlets’ forwards’ coach, Paul Moriarty. “And what are you doing in my house? It’s four o’clock in the morning!!” he quipped.
In related news, Stuart Gallagher also no longer works with the club. Doesn’t anyone tell me anything???? Have I got to work all this stuff out for myself?
In a bold move to allow one-man, crisis club Gavin “Gallactico” Henson time to relax, the Ospreys are believed to be considering allowing Henson to take complete leave of his senses.
“Coach” Shaun Holley stated, “It’s been a rough few years for Gavin. He missed out on a third Grand Slam, didn’t get signed up for Strictly Come Dancing and saw metrosexual grooming products advertising revenue being taken by such global superstars as Tiger Woods, Thierry Henry, Roger Federrererer and, I don’t know, Danny Dyer. Look, I don’t spend all day long watching adverts. I’ve got defensive patterns to wish I knew something about. Don’t you know how busy I’m pretending to be?”
This leave of absence is said to include journeying outside the current plains of existence into another reality.
“I’ve always been interested in parallel universes,” moaned Henson. “Like what would a world where Germany won the Battle of Britain be like? What difference would it make if it were the Newport GWENT Dragons and What if Spiderman had joined the Fantastic Four.”
One kick, two tackles, three dimensions Henson may decide to travel outside the whole of time / space itself into totally uncharted territory. “As long as they’ve got ITV4 on Freeview, I’d be happy. I loves a bit of Poirot, I does. Oh and Aerobics Oz Style. But don’t tell Charlotte! She hates Ozzies. She reckons they’ve all got lice,” said the gelled, tanned, waxed latter day Barry John, yesterday.
David Cameron has launched into the Bloodgate debate sweeping through the English premiership by launching a furious broadside at Gordon Brown. During angry scenes at Prime Minister’s question time Mr. Cameron rounded on Gordon Brown, saying “This is just another example of the government’s inability to lead this country. We are rapidly becoming the laughing stock of world rugby. The Conservatives demand that every blood substitution for the last 4 years be investigated by an independent commission,” finishing with his obligatory “what we need is a change of government.”
Angry scenes in the commons
Mr Cameron is thought to be lining up former Harlequins coach Dean Richards to lead the investigation. A Tory party spokesman explained “Dean has been there as a player and a coach at the top end of the game. Who better to lead this investigation? Plus, as an ex-policeman he’s bound to be as honest as the day is long.”
Earlier in his web blog Mr. Cameron had promised to cut out the use of blood capsules amongst Tory backbenchers who frequently feign injury to get out of parliamentary debates. “Anyone found using blood capsules will be subject to party disciplinary procedures and may be thrown out of the party” he said. CCTV footage of former Welsh office minister and part time mimester John Redwood taking a blood capsule out of his sock then being ushered out of the house of commons and into a nearby pub by Anne Widdecombe has been taken off Utube for legal reasons.
RFU boss Francis Baron has been sceptical about Mr. Cameron’s motives saying “it’s just another bandwagon for the Tories to ride. It’ll be gay pride next week.”