The International Rugby Board is to jump on the celebrity IT bandwagon and take a very small sized page out of the world of Twitter. To counteract the widespread popularity of Twenty Twenty Cricket and Strictly Millionaires Diving, the IRB will introduce a new version of the Rugby Union code: Twitter Rugby™.
This new bite-sized version of the popular 15-a-side game will retain all the complexities of the full game but with one added difference. Each game is only to last 140 seconds. One of the main instigators of this new vibrant pico-sport is rugby factotum (sic) Rob Andrew. “This is just what we need to grab the minute attention spans of Generation X and create a sport that appeals to all walks of life: CBeebies addicted toddlers, Emos, League and Sevens fans as well as Gogs” said the ex-England Outside Half as he dropped another goal whilst simultaneously failing to score a third international try, yesterday. “Just think of the sense of occasion as fans travel miles to watch Munster maul the ball once.”
This new ‘improvement’ is already popular with Scarlets Supremo, Nigel Davies. “It’ll save our fans a hell of a lot of time. Why wait two hours for us to throw the game away stupidly in the last 20 seconds when the game can be over and done with in less than 3 minutes?” However it’s not good news for all. It is believed that this may be the final nail in the coffin for Conference.
Editors at the Western Mail made the shock decision to leave an article about Gavin Henson out of an edition of their ‘newspaper’. The Mail, voted Six Park Street, Cardiff’s Newspaper of the Week (w/c Monday 12th October 1998), decided on the surprise tactic of only running 3 articles about the one kick, two tackles, three times a lady sticky-up-hair superstar. “We’d only just done a memorial Charlotte Church pull-out special earlier that week with another 5 speculative stories on other members of the Henson family. We decided enough was enough.” explained Dave Shallow, Celebrity Editor for the Mail, in-between gulps of Merlot.
Experts have called for the piece to be published elsewhere. “We could farm it out to another paper,” commented Shallow “Or even send it to some bloke’s blog. If the worst comes to the worst, some tuppenny, halfpenny rugby website will run with the story. They’ll print any old crap.”
The game of rugby union in Wales was hit by another hammer blow this weekend. Over half of the sides playing in the Welsh Premiership failed to win. Some of the greatest names in Welsh sport were put to the sword with Llanelli, Newport, Pontypool and Bedwas all losing. Self styled ‘Greatest Ever Galacticos in World Sport’ Cardiff also failed to pick up 2 points.
“These are serious times for Team Wales” said Wales boss, Warren ‘Wales Boss’ Gatland. However he did point out the light at the end of the tunnel. “Glamorgan Wanderers picked up a valuable home win. This just goes to show when a team can draw on the cream of the talent from a region such as Glamorgan, they can beat no-hoping losers like Newport. This is a great result for regional rugby, going forward.”
BBC Wales commentators were stopped dead in their tracks last night by the shock defeat of the club/region/crystalline entity (Cardiff) ‘Blues’ by lowly region/province/super club Connacht. The win by the Irish side, dubbed “The Magner’s League’s answer to the Western Force” led startled, geographically challenged TV experts to try to remember an Irish town in the West (or possibly East) of Ireland. “I’m going to have to go with Brigadoon” guessed graduate Gwyn Jones.
This week saw the sad loss of Keith Floyd, a true gentleman, rugby fan and bon viveur. Here’s a tremendous reminder of how rugby can bring people together. Two fine fellows: Ray Gravell and Keith Floyd. They will be sorely missed.