Flattergate Plot Revealed

World rugby is set to predict Welsh international domination, temporarily.  Coaches, journalists, former Test legends, senior administrators and other well-known portly commentators with massive necks and locked-in-the-past hairdos, are conspiring to proclaim Wales as the impending international rugby champions of the universe, GwladRugby.com can exclusively reveal.

Ahead of games planned against New Zealand, Australia, Argentina and Samoa, a plot has already been agreed to compliment the living daylights out of the Welsh camp into a false and profoundly deluded sense of security.

Precise details include:

-          Singling out Welsh members of the recent British Lions squad as ‘the best on tour’, ‘much better than the South Africans’ and ‘the most professional rugby professionals ever, since….ooooh…. Jonny Wilkinson, who incidentally is also slightly Welsh’

-          Talking up random members from the rest of the Welsh squad contingent (and indeed any Welsh male between the ages of 14 and 70) as ‘eager to prove the Lions selectors wrong’, ‘the next big rugby sensation’ and ‘ready to eat the Argies/Aussies/Kiwis/Samoans for breakfast’

-          Referring to Warren Gatland and Shaun Edwards like they were the King and Queen of tactical rugby mastery; using moody black and white photography wherever possible

-          Recalling previous encounters where Wales have been smashed to pieces as ‘close games’, featuring ‘dodgy refereeing decisions’ and ‘bad juju’

The plan relies heavily on media saturation and is global in scope, though will be taken to varying degrees of silliness according to geographic region.  Southern hemisphere press, for example, will play along for a while until someone notices.  The London papers meanwhile, led in a chorus of Eddie Butler poetry reading, will be shockingly daft about it but only to the extent that they are editorially permitted to write about Wales.  The Western Mail, in league with the WRU to fill 30 pages a week with subtle variations on the same frothy rugby-related bollocks, will retain its impeccable commitment to editorial integrity by not getting involved in such shenanigans.  Yes, really…

Ex-England captain and scary nutter Martin Corry meanwhile is leading a one-man crusade to accumulate a similarly unsustainable level of expectation surrounding the England team.  Having claimed earlier on this week that – despite injuries – England should complete the clean sweep of beating NZ, Australia and Argentina, Corry is expected to make further claims in a press conference planned for tomorrow morning.

“England’s players can push on from their success in the Autumn internationals by retaining the Ryder Cup and retrieving all the gold from the lost city of the Incas,” barked Corry, a bit too loudly.  “I can’t say anymore until tomorrow because there is a dead alligator lodged in my throat.  Do you like cuddles?  Cuddles are the best, aren’t they?” 

Sandcastles the Way Forward for Welsh Regions

Under pressure bosses at Welsh rugby’s regions are responding to recent criticism in typically bullish manner by erecting fortresses all over South Wales.

The huge structures are the brainchild of self-styled, big-spending galactico region supremo Joe Johnson. Johnson, whose CV includes lifting the World Snooker Championship trophy in 1986, proved that he is not afraid to get his hands dirty. Laying the first stone yesterday, he spoke of making the Liberty Stadium a fortress once more. “They tell me this used to be a fortress a few years ago, but that seems hard to believe. All I’ve seen since I arrived is a stadium made of recycled plastic from Buckaroo parts”, said Johnson, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walked from the grave.

At bitter rivals Cardiff Blues, who have failed to score a single point since narrowly missing out on European glory last season, it seems that a fortress is the answer here too. Young Dai, a seventeen year old regular at The Old Arcade, who is steeped in Blues history, hinted that he’ll only visit the new fortress when they stop allowing the football team to play at their gleaming new home in Leckwith. “I’ll have another pie please, Pete”, he said to the barman, before returning to his SA and Western Mail.

Meanwhile at bitter rivals The Scarlets, former coach Carwyn Jenkins, denied reports that they were jumping on the fortress bandwagon. This followed comments in yesterday’s media attributed to fridge removal man, Stephen Jones, that a fortress was needed in Llanelli. Jenkins said, “Our fortress at Stradey had been in place since at least 1400, when Owain Glyndwr was our fly half. Now, in the spirit of Owain, we must empower ourselves to collectively confront our fulfilment issues and grow our new fortress. Leveraging on our organic growth, we will shift the dynamics of the paradigm to achieve next generation win-win for The Scarlets …” He went on for a while after that, but, sorry, I must have dropped off.

A spokesperson for Newport Gwent Dragons issued a statement saying that the playing and coaching staff were unavailable for comment as they were all out on the training ground preparing for the next game.

Wales in haka nonresponse shocker

WRU officials were blasted earlier today by senior NZRFU elders as reports emerged suggesting that Wales plan on not responding to the haka this autumn.

“We’re hearing that, instead of monkeying around with anthems, standing still, standing in an funny shape or throwing grass around, Wales plan on just watching the haka then getting on with the game. Its a clear break with tradition and is unacceptable,” said NZRFU President Corey Awwwmate.

Sources in Wales seem to back up the rumours, “We’re trying something different that is for shoo-er.” burbled an unnamed source, “Not messing around during the haka and then getting on with the game is certainly innovative but we’re building the right synchronicity between backs and forwards and putting the right systems in place etc etc,” said another source who would only be identified as Haun Sholley.

However, a solution to the crisis may come from the regions: “We invite the All Blacks, should they be unhappy with arrangements at the Millenium Stadium, to take their pre match haka across the city to our magnificent new home at the Cardiff (definetly not City) Stadium,” said (cardiff) BLUES Chairman Peter Thomas. “The stadium has modern haka disruption facilities second to none and I’m sure our supporters would love to see the programme of mascot racing, flag waving and innane chatter we have planned for them if they accept our offer.”

RSPB in bid to save the Ospreys

The rugby world was rocked last night by an announcement that the RSPB are set to stage a forced takeover of struggling Welsh region the Ospreys.

The star studded Ospreys have struggled to get out of first gear this season and suffered an embarrassing home defeat to Irish minnows Leinster on Friday night despite have 32 full internationals in their starting 15. The self styled galacticos are now facing a challenge even greater than that of their team orchestrating a cohesive back line move.

Announcing the move an RSPB spokesman said “the RSPB is committed to the protection of birds and also taking steps to help any birds who are in distress or suffering. That includes both Ospreys and headless chickens. We need to take immediate action to put these Ospreys out of their misery”.

If successful in their bid it is thought that the Liberty stadium car park will be turned into a wetland area and the stands replaced with a couple of bird watching sheds. “We don’t see an issue with capacity” said the RSPB.

Elite Director of Elite Directors Andrew Hore has insisted that the Ospreys can weather this new storm and turn things around on the pitch, adding “Scott Johnson is the right man for the job. Only this morning he had the boys in for a quick chuck around followed by a game of touch rugby and piggy back races”, adding “I know elite when I see it”.

Rick O’Shea is considering his position.

Celtic Nations to Form Magners Pear League.

Celtic rugby chiefs have rolled up the sleeves of their blazers and taken a bold step by dragging the marketing of their sport into the Twentieth Century. By aping the cider manufacturer, Magners’, the brains’ trust of the WRU, SRU and IRNBRU have taken basically the same product and added a few minor variations on a common theme. “There are lots of stupid arsed times that games can start” said WRU (editor’s note: check what job title he’s got) David Pickering. “One of our new innovations includes Wednesday 1.17pm kick offs. And there’s definitely a gap in the market at 7.25am on a Thursday. We’d have to fight off the challenge of TransWorld Xtreme Women’s sport, which is on Eurosport five minutes earlier, but we’re confident that we’re up to the challenge. We’ve also done a SWOT analysis and there’s definitely no threat of being attacked by highly armed police.”

Other supporter friendly initiatives are thought to include away fans, televising the games on a TV station that doesn’t go bust and using non-English speaking Dutch referees. The latter is expected to be lead to a 50% reduction in tries awarded after the wing has run into the crowd to chat with a mate before touching the ball down.

Magners Blasted By Spazmo

Magners League chiefs have strenuously denied claims that the competition is part of a thought control experiment.

Conspiracy theories began circulating on the internet last season when many began to believe that Newport Gwent Dragons outside centre Rory Sidey did not in fact exist. US based conspiracy website Spazmo.com offered a reward to anyone who could remember seeing Sidey on the field and could offer a description of him. Now Spazmo has upped the ante considerably by claming that whole matches televised by the BBC have been wiped from the memories of tv viewers.

“The Sidey thing, that’s just the tip of the iceberg,” said Denver based conspiracy theorist Dirk Heggerty, “Watch the Magners League regularly and its clear that someone somewhere is trying to mess with our minds. We’re being told that people sit at home every Friday to watch these games but can’t remember a single thing about them afterwards. It’s disturbing. We need to find out how deep this goes.”

This is not the first time Heggerty has turned his attention to Welsh rugby, “It all started back in the early 1990′s, when several Welsh internationals regularly appeared on team sheets but never appeared to do anything. We call it the Proctor anomaly. We believe thought experimentation within Welsh rugby could go back to the 70′s. Ever heard Max Boyce Live at Treorchy played backwards? That’s some freaky shit man.”