Ospreys to sign Bela Lugosi

Wales’ premier side, the Ospreys, are rumoured to be in talks to sign 1920’s film legend Bela Lugosi. The move has been sparked by the recent Bloodgate saga in English rugby and is seen as further evidence of the Osprey’s ambition to compete with Europe’s top clubs. A source close to Ospreys’ Managing Director Mike Cuddy said “The Ospreys are determined to match the big English clubs in every facet of the game. To that end we have invested in the best training facilities, a world class stadium and an all southern hemisphere back row. However, recent developments in the English Premiership have shown us that we are still some way off the pace. We must get up to speed on use of fake blood and special effects. This is a must if we are advance to the latter stages of the Heineken cup. Bela’s experience speaks for itself.”

Bela Lugosi

Bela Lugosi

Lugosi, star of cult films such as Dracula and Son of Frankenstein is no stranger to Welsh rugby having once lined up for an Austro-Hungarian army invitational 15 against Aberavon 2nds in the 1920s. He is a past master in the use of blood capsules and can feign decapitation, death by drowning and being impaled on a corner flag. He can also step in at centre if required, being considerably quicker than Sonny Parker.

Director of Rugby Scott Johnson is thought to have been instrumental in setting up the talks having previously met Lugosi whilst standing in for Gerard Depardieu on the set of Cyrano De Bergerac. Johnson is also known to be keen to sign anyone who isn’t a Kiwi.

Scott Johnson

Scott Johnson

The move will no doubt surprise Ospreys’ fans and players alike who believe that Gavin Henson is the right man to lead the Ospreys at faking injuries. “Gavin’s got it all” said Jon Thomas, “the skills, the looks, a theatrical missus and a bag full of makeup. If he can’t fake a blood injury then no one can”. These latest developments will no doubt again raise questions about Henson’s future and whether or not there is room for both him and Lugosi at the club.

Other Welsh regions have been quick to follow the Ospreys’ lead with the Dragons having already added a local children’s face painter to their backroom staff and the Blues signing Darren Morris. “Let’s face it, it wasn’t for his pace” said Dai Young. Speculation that the Scarlets were mounting a late bid to snatch Lugosi from the Ospreys were quelled when it emerged it was just Stephen Jones turning up for training.

Dean Richards was unavailable for comment.

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Gavin Hens-gone?

So it seems the Ospreys and Gavin’s medical advisors have no idea what is wrong with him. A few weeks ago there was talk of him jacking it in, or going to rugby league. Whatever happens to him, it seems one of Welsh rugby’s most prodigious talents has been recklessly wasted through bad management and a lack of care.

The best thing Henson can do, is to get fit and find himself a club who can look after him. The Ospreys clearly aren’t up to the task.