All posts by ARJ

"...if it sounds sarcastic don't take it seriously. If it sounds dangerous do not try this at home or at all and if it offends you, just don't listen to it." - The Offspring, Ixnay on the Hombre, 1997.

REVEALED: Semi Final Reaction Articles Already Submitted.

In a discovery that will SHOCK readers of the Western Mail, Gwlad can confirm that two articles, one for each possible outcome of Wales’ RWC Semi Final against France, have already been submitted for print by hacks at the paper.

The articles starkly display the blinkered extremities of rugby journalism in our proud nation; the first, blisteringly optimistic following a Welsh win, the second desperately pessimistic following a Welsh loss.

Here are the two articles, one of which will be printed in the Wales on Sunday next Sunday:

USE THIS AND EDIT AS APPROPRIATE IF WALES BEAT FRANCE:

At 0900 yesterday morning, Valleys Time, sleepy supporters sat glued to their TVs, radios and computer screens, with the taste of victory, and toothpaste, on the tips of their tongues. In the following (80/100/100 or so) minutes, their appetites were gloriously sated and now, this morning, a nation waits to find out who stands between Wales and the William Webb Ellis Cup.

Whisper it quietly but Wales have been building strongly and steadily to success at the final ever since their heroic defeat to South Africa 5 weeks ago. The exceptional victories that followed against Superb Samoa, Nifty Namibia, Fabulous Fiji, Incredible Ireland and Fantastic France mean that Wonderful Wales are just 80 minutes or so away from immortality. A nation, quite rightly, expects.

Forget all the lows of 2004, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010 and the start of 2011 because they no longer matter. For the time being, this is the best Wales side of all time. No matter who we face next weekend, we know we are more than capable of beating them with a Solid Shaun Edwards defence, a Rapier-like Rob Howley attack and a WALES SUPREMO WARREN GATLAND OBE tactical nous, led by Captain Fantastic, Sam Warburton.

After the (emphatic/hard-earned) win yesterday everyone in the world agrees that New Zealand and Australia had better watch out. Wales are now a team who will fearlessly take on all comers, without the pressure of history at their backs and with the wind, well and truly in their sails.

Bring on next weekend!

USE THIS AND EDIT AS APPROPRIATE IF WALES LOSE TO FRANCE:

At 0900 yesterday morning, Valleys Time, sleepy supporters sat glued to their TVs, radios and computer screens, with the taste of victory, and toothpaste, on the tips of their tongues. In the following (80/100/100 or so) minutes, their appetites collectively became that of a starving, dark ages pauper and now, this morning, a nation waits to find out who stands between Wales and the stupid, shoddy, third bastard pissing place, arsing playoff next shitting weekend. FFS.

Shout it from the rooftops: Wales have been nothing but average ever since their humbling defeat to South Africa 5 weeks ago. The scrappy victories that followed against Stupid Samoa, Nobodies Namibia, Fumbling Fiji and Inept Ireland before succumbing to FUCKING FRANCE mean that Woeful Wales are just 80 minutes or so away from Jack Fanny Adams. A nation, quite rightly, has lost all faith.

Forget all the lows of 2004, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010 and the start of 2011 because they no longer matter. For the time being, this is the worst Wales side of all time. No matter who we face next weekend, we know we are already on the plane home, empty handed all thanks to a boring Shaun Edwards defence, a plunger-like Rob Howley attack and a lack of a “Plan B” from “supremo” Warren Gatland. Even Sam Warburton only single-handedly turned over possession at thirty rucks, which, at this level, is simply not good enough.

After the humiliating defeat yesterday in front of the world’s press, who for some stupid reason had tipped Wales to go all the way, New Zealand and Australia now play to avoid the stupid, shoddy, third bastard pissing place, arsing playoff next weekend against a Wales team totally lacking in ideas and go forward and a “Plan B”. Wales are now, and always have been a team who crumble at the slightest mention of pressure. I wish a pox on them, on you for supporting them, on your children for believing in your dreams and your pets for pissing on the rug after I swore loudly at the ref.

Bring on 2015…

No one from the Western Mail was available to comment on this SCANDAL but it is believed that Andy Howell and/or Delme Parfitt are “very tired” having had to “wake up early every bloody weekend for the last five weeks” and from “not having anything remotely negative to write.”

New RWC Kit in Striptease Scandal

A recent campaign by the WRU, designed to reveal their new RWC kit one bit at a time, has been universally condemned by groups representing angry parents, reclusive cat owners, librarians and vicars. In a sort of shocking reverse striptease, with Facebook “likes” replacing the old fiver in the G-string trick, people are being encouraged by the WRU to “like” their page in return for an increasingly stark glimpse of the kit.

Talking to Gwlad was angry parent Dai “Furious” Furious Dai Jones: “Bastards. They come over here and take MY jobs, oh, wait, that’s the other thing I’m meant to be furious about. Hang on.” After he gathered his thoughts he went on: “I think it’s disgusting and like many parents I’m furious. I can’t believe that the WRU would be involved in such a shameless marketing ploy. Well, I can but I’m still furious.” After catching his breath he continued: “Oh sure, the more you “like” this page, the more kit you get to see but what I’m worried about is that in the future, people will be encouraged to do the exact opposite of this showing less kit and more skin. Before you know it, everyone will be completely in the bloody nuddy all over the internet all because of the WRU. This new campaign encourages pornography, lewd behaviour and even terrorism in some cases. It’s disgusting and I’m FURIOUS.”

In response to such comments head of marketing at the WRU, Craig “BUY MY SHIRT” Maxwell, released this statement:

“Look, all we were trying to do was stir up some excitement because, frankly, you lot haven’t had a lot to get excited about lately. Well, not in a positive sense anyway. You all seem to get very excited about how much it costs to watch Wales lose, get frog-marched to the store on Westgate Street and then get forced to buy the big advert for Admiral Insurance that you associate, through no fault of ours, with a losing team, for the best part of £100. Sure, THAT excites you but not in the way you, or we for that matter, want. To counter this we asked, “what do people like more than rugby?” All at once, the boardroom lit up, Pickers, Moffet and I knew what answer was coming… Strippers.

In better news however, the WRU’s Facebook page teasingly revealed yesterday that the new kit would have red socks. This is good news for Welsh rugby fans everywhere, as described below in our Recent History of Welsh Rugby Socks Feature. Here is our Recent History of Welsh Rugby Socks Feature:

Recent History of Welsh Rugby Socks Feature

2005 – Red socks responsible for Wales winning a Six Nations Grandslam
2006 – No Comment/doesn’t fit in with our sock pattern
2007 – White socks proven to be directly responsible for Wales failing to make RWC knockout stages.
2008 – Return to red socks seals a second Grandslam in 4 seasons for Wales
2009 – Green socks cause Wales to crash to fourth in the Six Nations table
2010 – Green socks cause Wales to crash to fourth in the Six Nations table
2011 – White socks cause Wales to crash to fourth in the Six Nations table
RWC 2011 – Red socks expected to lead Wales to RWC glory

Socks are generally made from cotton, go on your legs and under your shoes. You should always put them on before you put your shoes on but don’t wear them with sandals. Rugby teams all wear socks and socks can be bought/stolen from all good clothes stores.