All posts by Skibb

Henson announces his retirement from rugby on X-Factor

Gavin Henson shocked fans when he announced that he and Charlotte Church planned to swap careers. Speaking at the launch of his pop career and hair gel product range on X-Factor, Henson revealed that he although he had decided to hang up his boots for good, Ospreys and Welsh fans would be cheered to find out that Charlotte has been training secretly with the Ospreys for many months.

“We’ve been planning this  for some time” explained Henson. “I’ve worked day and night with a full time voice coach, dance coach and personal stylist. Getting the right clothes, hair and fake-tan combination has been a bit tricky, but I think the long hours of preparation are finally paying off.”

Charlotte Church has also training full time, gaining “condition” in preparation for her spectacular reinvention as a prop forward. “Adam Jones is her hero”, gushed Henson. “She’s been modelling her training on Jones for some time, and it shows. She’s even got the same hair” beamed Henson, who described her as an “untamed beast” when she goes into contact.

Henson admitted that he and Church had intended to keep their training a secret for a while longer but circumstances have forced their hand.  “Adam’s unfortunate injury is just opportunity that Charlotte was looking for.  The Osprey’s need her and she’s ready to respond”, Henson claims.

Henson appeared tense when he explained that another reason that he and Church had to break cover at this time was to respond to media reports that team mate Mike “Pikey” Phillips plans to become the David Beckham of Welsh rugby with his latest rub, Welsh Diva Duffy. “It’s not on” spat Henson, “that role is for Charlotte and I, but we realise that we have to spice up our image to appear fresh to our fans.”

Turning is attention to Duffy, Henson  said, “I have much nicer legs than that Minger”.  She’s a Gog, too”,  he added, nodding in hushed tones. Henson also believes that Church’s rugby career will eclipse Phillips’s, adding that Phillips would always be second choice to Peel, O’Leary, Marshal or any other half-decent scrum half. “She’s just more physical than Pikey” stated Henson in a matter of fact way. “I’ve tackled both, so I should know”. “Admittedly, Phillips has nicer looking ankles”, he added. “Still we’re confident that we’ll see the bastards off and secure our rightful place with true stars such as David and Victoria, Wayne and Colleen and even Peter and Katy” Henson declared.

Henson didn’t actually sing on Monday nights programme citing a recurring larynx injury and a tight hamstring.  A nasty argument ensued when the judges threatened disqualification but everything was resolved following some tense commercial negotiations between Henson’s agent, Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh.  It is believed that the multimillion pound deal covers two albums, a book, world tour and a fly-on-the-wall documentary.