Online Welsh rugby forum Gwlad has been SLAMMED by a member of the public for “ruining” his enjoyment of the Wales v Ireland game. J. Edgar Hoover of Merthyr Tydfil was unable to watch the game live due to personal reasons, although when pushed on the matter, he said, “Well, I needed to clean out my shed and then take some stuff to the tip before it closed. Oh, and I popped into the supermarket on the way back to pick up some toilet roll and, as it turns out, horse meat.” All this meant that by the time he arrived back home the game had finished.
Cunningly, Mr Hoover had made use of his Sky+ box and recorded the game so he could watch it later, at his leisure. However, perhaps not so cunningly, as part of his strategy to not find out the result of the game, Mr Hoover logged onto Gwlad Rugby Chat as soon as he arrived home. He was staggered at what he found there. “It was obvious from the title of the threads that Ireland had won”, spat an outraged Mr Hoover. “SPOILER threads are supposed to guard against this kind of thing and posters should understand that not all of the rugby-mad Welsh public watch the game live.”
A spokesman for Gwlad said that this issue was being taken “very seriously”, adding that Mr Hoover is clearly a twunt and that Hook can’t control a game at 10.
A spokesman for The WRU said that a statement is being drafted and will be ready for publication this Autumn. He also confirmed, following a loud cough by the Chief Executive, that the level of debt left by the previous regime continues to plummet year-on-year.
Team Wales selectors have been blasted by Graham Turner, the Newport Gwent Dragons track suit consultant. “There’s an Osprey, a Blue and a Scarlet in the national front row”, snarled Tuner. “Why can’t there be a Dragon in there too? We have four regions, so why not allocate a place in the front row to each? We have Aled Brew over here near to the English border and there’s no reason why someone like him couldn’t do a job as the fourth man at the coal face.”
“I know what’s going on here”, continued Turner in surprisingly frank mood, “It’s racism. Because we are almost in England the Welsh won’t select us. All that will come of this will be to cement head coach Warren Gatland’s place in history.”
Under pressure bosses at Welsh rugby’s regions are responding to recent criticism in typically bullish manner by erecting fortresses all over South Wales.
The huge structures are the brainchild of self-styled, big-spending galactico region supremo Joe Johnson. Johnson, whose CV includes lifting the World Snooker Championship trophy in 1986, proved that he is not afraid to get his hands dirty. Laying the first stone yesterday, he spoke of making the Liberty Stadium a fortress once more. “They tell me this used to be a fortress a few years ago, but that seems hard to believe. All I’ve seen since I arrived is a stadium made of recycled plastic from Buckaroo parts”, said Johnson, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walked from the grave.
At bitter rivals Cardiff Blues, who have failed to score a single point since narrowly missing out on European glory last season, it seems that a fortress is the answer here too. Young Dai, a seventeen year old regular at The Old Arcade, who is steeped in Blues history, hinted that he’ll only visit the new fortress when they stop allowing the football team to play at their gleaming new home in Leckwith. “I’ll have another pie please, Pete”, he said to the barman, before returning to his SA and Western Mail.
Meanwhile at bitter rivals The Scarlets, former coach Carwyn Jenkins, denied reports that they were jumping on the fortress bandwagon. This followed comments in yesterday’s media attributed to fridge removal man, Stephen Jones, that a fortress was needed in Llanelli. Jenkins said, “Our fortress at Stradey had been in place since at least 1400, when Owain Glyndwr was our fly half. Now, in the spirit of Owain, we must empower ourselves to collectively confront our fulfilment issues and grow our new fortress. Leveraging on our organic growth, we will shift the dynamics of the paradigm to achieve next generation win-win for The Scarlets …” He went on for a while after that, but, sorry, I must have dropped off.
A spokesperson for Newport Gwent Dragons issued a statement saying that the playing and coaching staff were unavailable for comment as they were all out on the training ground preparing for the next game.