All posts by Dev

Ospreys Tout Spare Tight-Head for Weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs etc.

One of Swansea’s leading rugby surplus outlets has announced a half-price offer on its Moldovan tight-head prop.  The newly stocked Moldovan, who comes from Moldova, can juggle, intimidate people and sing the German versions of all David Hasselhoff’s greatest hits.  He is also learning how to scrummage.

“He’s what we call versatile,” remarked overemployed physiotherapist Andrew Hore, the only one wearing a suit at the Ospreys Rugby Warehouse.  “Given the trouble we had to go through to get him a work permit, I hope the people in this particular part of South West Wales appreciate why he can do what no-one we might have phoned at any of the 293 member clubs of the WRU can do.”

Wales Proclaimed Favourites in World Cup Group of Death

Quaint rugby backwaters Australia and England have conspired to anoint Wales the pre-tournament favourites for the group stages of a competition no one has even drawn the logo for yet.

In one of the biggest acts of cynicism since a well-known Liechtenstein based multinational bookselling tax-dodger purportedly floated the idea of selling a Kindle edition of The Big Issue as a loss-leader, neither universally despised part-time rugby nation has lost any time in starting its wind-up act as quickly as possible.

“Having just beaten them five times on the bounce, we’re as wary of anyone about the Way-oows backlash,” gobbed Brently MacIntyre, a fictitious Australian wing three-quarter with stupid hair, and shoulders like railway sleepers.  “We know just what Way-oows can bring to the party.  We’ve got this thing called ‘video’ that shows you what’s happened in the past.  And a special alarm clock that goes off just before 80 minutes has elapsed.”

“Going to Cardiff is always a big ask for the players, and even though that’s complete cock and we won’t be playing our game against them in Cardiff either, the favourites tag well and truly belongs to Wales – especially as they are such a good group of real tryers – y’know – so plucky and full of fun, it’s the coal mining that does it…” added Robert Pattinson, impersonator of foppish English full-backs c. 1971-1988 and star of the Twilight movies.  “All Wales’ players are so awfully young aren’t they?  By 2015 I’m sure they’ll be much bigger and will squish all of our players into itty bitty pieces.  If they are fed properly of course, with vitamins, blessed fellows.”

Taking exception to the press comments, former Wales captain (during the dark days) Eddie Butler struck a discordant tone during a blast of hastily contrived poetry: “We love being duped into being made the favourites, until we unexpectedly go 30 points behind and oh, how we love being the underdogs then…  Who cares anymore, my dears?  The storm clouds are gathering, we’re worrying about whether we can beat ‘Oceania 1’ or ‘Play Off Winner’ let alone that pair of prancing sods.  I mean I ask you, England and Australia.  It’s not as if they’re any better than – say – Ireland and South Africa; but you just know you’re going to hate every bloody minute of it.”

In related news, the entire English sporting media has signed an Al-Qaeda style accord of shared motivation, thought and belief in relation to “Welsh-qualified rugby players” and “the 2013 Lions Tour”.

Welsh rugby fans will be familiar with the script already.

Oh, just shove it up your arse then is it?

Taken-for-granted Wales rugby internationals have delivered a resounding f&*k off to the Welsh man in the street, after name-calling and confidence undermining reached a new low.

“I’ve had it up to here,” revealed Grand Slam winning Luke Charteris, pointing his hand somewhere thought to be near his hairline, beyond the vanishing point of most human eyes.  “You try playing a full 80 minutes against a bunch of somewhat shorter hairy bastards trying to kill you, spending your only bits of rest in a 16 man huddle with your head up stuck up Gethin Jenkins’ backside.  I just can’t see a way out!”

Having been barged over by the Argentinians, mown down by the Samoans and cream-crackered by the All Blacks, Wales are hoping to get through this weekend’s showdown against those insufferable bloody Australians without any more smart-alec, wise-cracking condescension.  And a win, thank you very much…

“Just shut up alright – just shut up,” said Grand Slam winning Rhys Priestland, who quite frankly has had enough of all this bollocks.  “You think you can do any better then be my guest, you ungrateful shower of piss.  Let’s just say it isn’t easy out there.  Try playing real international rugby against the top sides in the world instead of just watching the telly and playing with your balls.”

C’MON WALES!!

Seven Ways Wales Can Beat The All Blacks

Rugby pundits are blowing raspberries at our chances against New Zealand this weekend, without knowing the full facts.  We explore just seven of the many ways that the world champions can be overcome.

 

1. The law of averages

If the Faeroe Islands played the ABs enough times they’d eventually come up with a result.  This is the kind of positive yet pragmatic attitude Wales should take into their next game.

 

2. Bribes

Wales have a range of bribing options available to them and could consider deploying a combination to devastating effect.  This is in spite of the fact that Wayne Barnes will NOT be refereeing this weekend’s game, and the recent ‘de-corrupting’ decision by the NZRU to pay their players in currency other than imported television programmes and The Hobbit fridge magnets.

 

3. Malicious interference

Why is it that – with the high proportion of UK hotel, kitchen and bar staff coming from Australia – the instances of All Black tummy bugs, sworn affidavit bar room allegations and being awoken in the early hours by environmental health inspectors is so low?  All Wales is asking for is a level playing field.

 

4. Not pissing them off about the Haka

The All Blacks getting all uppity about the Haka is a Cardiff tradition and its resulting vengeful malcontent typically accounts for around 8 of the 25-30 point final scoring margin between the sides.

Wales should just listen intently, grimace and shake their legs about while linking arms in a disorderly line, like Ireland do.

 

5. Prayerfulness

Samoa solemnly dedicated their victory – and presumably each of the associated injuries inflicted – against Wales, to God.  With the only alternative strategy being to dedicate their victory to Rob Howley, for Wales to ape this approach only has upsides.  Not least of which would be a bigger stadium buzz for Calon Lan and Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer, as well as eternal salvation from an everlasting hell for all involved.

 

6. Replacement of kicking game with tunneling game

Wales has invested much in its directionless and inept kicking game in the belief that no opposition teams in the world possess a video recorder with a pause button.

Committing these resources instead to a ‘tunneling’ game – whereby players employ a pod system to excavate underneath the opposition defensive line and on to the try line beyond – not only calls upon Wales’ proud digging tradition, but is just the kind of unexpected tactic that the ABs would succumb to (in fits of hysterical laughter).

 

7. Become very French

Blue shirts, lumpy faces and the scent of garlic are strong brain signals for All Black players, causing immediate physiological reactions such as shitting themselves and running in the opposite direction.  Red shirts, close harmony singing and the stink of shampoo meanwhile evoke a much less negative effect.

“Zis playeur Richie McCaw…  Ee iz – ow you say – a poooff?” commented an experienced Wales international, badly.

The Hague Warns Wales Over Box-Kicks

Lefty human rights judges at the International Criminal Court have issued a final rebuke to Wales over its persistent use of ‘the box-kick’ during rugby test matches.

First invented by sadistic Aztec druids as a forced punishment for those who refused to look directly at the sun’s rays, and perfected by such 20th century rugby connoisseurs as Pol Pot, Himmler and Matt Dawson, the box-kick is a complicated process of needlessly giving away possession under the pretence of actually trying rather hard to keep hold of it, typically while camped in your half in close proximity to the touchline.

“The evidence is there for all to see.  And it’s not just the human cost of suffering caused by these box-kicks, as individual Welsh fans descend into a state of mental stupefaction; chewing on their own tongues in despair,” claimed Duval van Grolsch, a noted member of the substance-abusing Dutch Belgian judiciary.  “It’s a crime against all humanity.”

But Temporary Interim Sub-Coach Solution Rob Howley has reacted harshly to the claims, stating unequivocally that the box-kick is about as big an act of charity and human compassion that you could possibly shake a dislocated AC joint at.  “Obviously, as a scrum half myself, I can sympathise with Tavis, Spike and the other fella,” he tried to say, despite his mandibles.  “There you are, the ball in your hands, all the forwards eager to stuff it up their jumpers, the crowd shouting “For pity’s sake, please don’t do it again!!”, and Alex Cuthbert eagerly looking at something in the opposite direction with his hands stuffed in his pockets.  It’s confusing, at least it confuses the hell out of me anyway.  So you think – why not, it’s Christmas after all – even though it isn’t.”

PWC Uncovers the Bleeding Obvious in Just 11 Months

One of the world’s leading consultancy practices is basking in universal glory and acclaim, after taking little more than 300 days to tell Welsh rugby what it had already worked out for itself during a morning tea break in late 2011.

Inspired by some of mankind’s greatest feats of race-against-time administration such as LiveAid, the international humanitarian response to the Haiti disaster, and the Western Mail’s overnight construction of a 48-page supplement “1001 Things About the London Olympics Which Are At Least Partially Welsh”, top project consultants hired by the WRU and Welsh rugby regions wasted no time at all arriving at their novel, searching, and thought provoking conclusions about the national game.  These are that:

1. Each rugby region needs something called money in order to operate

2. There isn’t really enough money

3. In future, money could come from where it currently does, but in larger quantities, ideally

4. Some extra management committees, working groups, collaboration workshops and such like are probably a great idea

5. …as would be another report, if anyone’s interested

In related news, the WRU has put out a tender notice for a new £75,000 consultancy contract, entitled: “New Money: Old Rope”.