All posts by Dev

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Leinster A Changes Name to ‘Leinster B’ Ahead of Sardis Road Clash

Pontypridd’s treble challenge is all but over with the devastating news that British & Irish Cup semi-final opponents Leinster A have changed their name to Leinster B.  Under a little known tournament directive brought in by the IRFU, this disqualifies the semi-pro team on grounds of indecency, compelling double Heineken Cup champions and current Pro12 league leaders Leinster to take up the tie.

“Typical – we expected them to bring in a couple of ringers but to change the entire team is taking the piss!” claimed Ponty coach Geraint Lewis.  “They’ve got 1,052 caps across their side, and that’s not even counting any of the South Africans.  We had a few ringers planned as well mind, but I may as well phone Pete and Rob Sidoli right now and tell ‘em not to bother…”

“This administrative oversight is very unfortunate and we can’t understand how it might have happened or who could have been motivated to make such a mistake,” said County Kildare, a Leinster spokesperson.  “Tournament regulations for such a heinous offence set the penalty at 1 Euro, but I think we’re likely to appeal it.”

Irish President Snubs Wales

Irish Head of State Michael Higgins has announced he will not take part in the excruciatingly drawn-out 25 minutes of official pre-match bollocks planned for the forthcoming Ireland vs. Wales rugby international, having given his ticket to diminutive white-haired lookalike Bernie Ecclestone in exchange for 3lbs of gout ointment and a minor percentage of Ireland’s national debt.

President Higgins is among a minority of Dublin intellectuals who oppose the overindulgent traditions associated with every home Ireland game, as well as the rain: “An umbrella is never enough, and I find neither is three glasses of Bushmills,” quipped the political powerhouse and part-time Mr Magoo impersonator.  “I’d rather be watching the fecking game than wandering about making small talk with a bunch of overweight coal miners, country bumpkins and sheep shaggers.  And I don’t care very much for those Welsh players either!”

The Higgins snub comes at the optimum time to stoke up pre-match tensions already reaching fever pitch on the back of “Dropping O’Driscoll-gate” and today: “Ireland’s Call-gate”.

Anyone not paying attention to international news events may have overlooked the shocking revelation that the acclaimed Calon Lan will not be played on Saturday as Wales’s ‘second anthem’, though the IRFU-commissioned ‘Ireland’s Call’ – and its charmingly sophisticated harmonic refrain – will.  Indeed, extra consignments of bright-green Guinness-sponsored vuvuzelas are being shipped in to Dublin to hammer home the point.

In other news, the Welsh training camp has been boosted by rumours that ace Irish second-row Devin Toner is running low.  Unwieldy, single-purpose and presenting a minor health risk when broken, Ireland’s Toner is extra large.  “We’d fookin love to see to him run out on Saturday,” quipped enamel-coated Welsh coach Shaun Edwards.

Australian Rugby Moustaches ‘Lack Irony’

Barbie loving scrummaging novices from Down Under have had the rug pulled from under their noses with the revelation that competing rugby nations are sporting Movember moustaches in a startling ironic fashion.

“We come over here every Autumn to grow a bit of bumfluff, beat Wales and shag our way around the freezing cold fleshpots of a post-industrial wasteland,” commented an Australian utility back with whiskers like a badger.  “Moronic maybe, but ironic?  Nah…  We had no idea we were raising money for prostate cancer awareness!  Struth, we’d have had a whip round mate.”

Wales meanwhile are rumoured to be seething with the news that all 38 Australian squad players will be rested for the next game under the pretence of ‘disciplinary action’, while 52 year old Bruce the kit man is sent out at Murrayfield to single-handedly beat Scotland with one hand tied behind his back.  “I’ve had hangovers my lad, but this is fookin ridiculous,” said teeth and bone specialist Shaun Edwards.  “We were going to spy on their training moves, but our analyst ended up in the pub scribbling notes on how to play Fuzzy Duck lying in 10 inches of puke and warm Fosters.”

Not everyone is paying Scotland such disrespect, as one world-renowned authority on rugby predictions claimed:

“The formality of beating Scotland aside, Wales are Australia’s next serious test in a winner takes all battle that promises to see the loser lose out on winning, while the winner takes the spoils for good measure,” said veteran rugby commentator and Terry & June superfan Ian Robertson, in a rare moment of blinkered clarity.  “Who’s Scottish?  Me?  No that’s Inverdale.  God Save Our Gracious Queen… Swing Low, Sweet Chariot…”

WRU Blames Glyndwr Legacy for IT Mess

IT boffins in charge of the WRU’s fixtures and results computer are in a race against time to correct software bugs ahead of the season start.  Yet again the problems revolve around incompatible system requirements with the Colwyn Bay-based state-aid rugby franchise, RGC 1404.

“Our Dragon 32 supercomputer was running lovely until the penultimate weekend of last season when the Gogs posted 20 tries in a home game against the league minnows,” explained Nigel Acne, head of IT support and pornography archives at the WRU.  “When the score came in ‘RGC 1404 134 – Tredegar 0’ the system naturally assumed it was reading an ordering code from a kitchen fittings catalogue and started melting its own processors.”

Similar problems are amassing for Acne’s team in the run-up to this season’s grudge match on October 26th with Tata Steel, played away at the The Rust Bucket stadium.  “We’re working through all the possible outcomes now, and none of them are going through without wiping critical data elsewhere in the system.  For instance, Tata Steel 12 – RGC 1404 40 is coming up as an old invoice docket for an engine propeller in Barry docks.  We need to fix it, or Delyth Does Denbigh is going to be off the menu until further notice.”

Top Agent Claims Money Not Everything

Naively idealistic Welsh rugby stars keen to stay close to their Mam’s roast dinners and homemade gravy are driving a hard bargain on their regional contract talks by eschewing wage negotiations in favour of gaining perks, adoration and total servitude from their employers.  That’s the claim from top rugby agent Wyn Someyou-Losesome, given in an exclusive interview for GwladRugby.com, that lifts the lid on some of the biggest player deals in the Welsh game.

“Some of these French clubs are offering cash, diamonds, houses, goats; all things with a monetary value, designed to corrupt the player into being a wage-slave and forcing them to confront the sad, existential reality that their human worth is simply a neo-modern social construct, likes,” he said.  “You start playing around with numbers like that and it will never add up – literally.”

According to Someyou-Losesome, most of the recent deals he’s involved with have included perfectly reasonable demands:

George North might have stayed at the Scarlets but for the stonewall attitude of its youth team coach who refused to allow one of his players to be ritually sacrificed each week in a ‘Lucky Scarlet Drink’ ceremony deemed essential to his conditioning programme by the 18st wing sensation.

Talks have stalled between Toby Faletau and the Dragons on a new three-year deal that would see the player released to the Leicester Tigers on weekends.  The normally calm-natured back row operator is reportedly stressed out at suggestions he can’t have the Coldra to Tredegar Park section of the M4 motorway named after him.

Luke Charteris’ future as a potential summer recruit to the Ospreys was already hanging in the balance with the revelation he is not actually French, but could fail completely with the player’s “extortionate” terms.  Charteris is apparently holding out for an agreement permitting him to attend all full training sessions and corporate days walking around on his knees (with little shoes sewed to his trouser legs), wearing a bowler hat and speaking in a high-pitched voice.

Finally, at Cardiff Blues, Leigh Halfpenny is understood to be hopping mad with ruddy-faced CEO Richard Holland, having been duped into believing that the top French team Racing Metro was in fact just the name of a newspaper.  The pint-sized kicking star is understood to be on strike until Holland issues a formal apology written in his own blood, and agrees to eat a Peter’s Pie every day for the remainder of his contract.

Ian Robertson Finds Arse with Both Hands

Following scenes of panic, confusion and patronising sneers, veteran broadcaster, commentator and Rover 800 driver Ian Robertson has located his backside after a prolonged search involving both of his own hands.

“You wonder if they’ve got a lucky bag and picked some names out,” whined Robertson, shortly prior to the disappearance of both buttocks, which occurred at some point in the last 15 years.  “I mean, I ask you…(something incoherent)….. the amount of Welsh so-called players (more whining)….(reading the team sheet off a piece of paper)….JONNY WILKINSON!!!….(comment about the weather)… and now back to the studio.”

Reports have emerged of a spate of bottom disappearances across the aging right wing, superiority complex-suffering rugby fraternity.  A Telegraph rugby writer, struggling to juggle the posts of ‘sports journalist’ with ‘poisonous reactionary’ woke up on Sunday morning to find his backside for sale on eBay at the reserve price of £0.99 (+ postage and packaging), and one bid already placed by a Twickenham car park catering company.  And in a remarkable turn of events, rentable quote machine Austin Healey vanished up his own bottom, mid way through the 2nd half of the final Test in Sydney.

Meanwhile at Wimbledon, multi-purpose sports bigot John Inverdale was last seen being force-fed pieces of his own ‘rump de le rosbif’ by an enthusiastic crowd of French foie-gras fans.

“Ee iz, ow you say, not even a patch on Steve Rider?  Give me ze Huw Llewelyn Davies any day of ze week.”