In a shocking broadside against the Nou Camp heroes, Wales coach branched out from his usual pre-match interviews by blasting a team from a different sport. “They hold no fear for my lads – we know that they can never beat us” claimed the Wales supremo. “They’re an under-rated tippy tappy fixated bunch of wimps!” Gatland continued. “They can’t even throw in properly. This team of tic tac tits can’t even score a try.” Gatland went on to criticise the rugby abilities of the European Ryder Cup team, Sebastein Vettel, Mohammed Ali, Jesse Owens, Usain Bolt, Lance Armstrong, Neil Armstrong, Stretch Armstrong, Time Team, Face off of the A-Team, Dr ‘Bones’ McCoy and Marie Curie.
With Shane Williams failing to fight the aging process, the oncoming international retirement of the Swansea-Bay Ospreys star will leave a yawning gap in Wales’ attacking game. To fill this gap, Warren Gatland is casting the net out to find a replacement who, the Western Mail will imaginatively call, ‘The New Shane’. “Wit wiiii arrrrr licking fur, uss a mugdishan.” stated Gatland. It is believed that to replace “Amman For All Seasons” Wales will require someone with pride, passion, a sidestep, some more passion, some hwyl and who may, or may not, be short. A current shortlist has been leaked to the Western Mail. After days of soul searching on how to break the news, someone at the paper decided to copy the list out onto one of their pages. Gwlad can therefore semi-exclusively announce that the candidates include Leigh Halfpenny, Andy Howells, Dewi Twp, that bloke that was off of a WKD advert, Lee Williams, Shane Williams, Shane Ritchie and Tommy Bowe.
Wales, already the holders of the Rugby 7s World Cup, can proudly boast another sporting triumph. Beating People’s Democratic Republic of the Congo in the final, in a tense 3-0 encounter, Wales put their names in the record books as only the second team to ever win the trophy. “It was a tough game, but we knew that whoever we were to play in the final, they’d be tough.” said Barry Barry, the WLIRU captain. “The Congo team were a bit of a unknown quantity for us, despite them being the current, and five times, World Champions and the only other team to play lactose intolerant rugby.” Barry put his lack of knowledge of Wales’ only possible opponents down to a supposed ‘lack of focus on research prior to the game’ and a ‘total and utter inability to learn anything from the previous 12 straight losses in the only other games the Welsh team has ever played. “It’s the Welsh way” explained Barry. Next Saturday, the WLI team will play a charity match against the Welsh Not-very-good-with-Roman-numerals XIV.
Today, in a historic result for the people of Wales, 99% voted ‘Yes’ for more Welsh rugby wins and try scoring opportunities in the 2011 WRU Referendumb. Siefin Hefin, head of “Pass it to Shane” the pro-Welsh win alliance, stated this is a step towards sporting glory. “This makes this year’s Grand Slam one step closer. We’ve only got two games left and if we win them, nothing can stop us.” The turnout, which was limited to WRU headquarters, amounted to only 100 people (3% of the salaried staff of the WRU). Some commentators saw that as low. “When I see that turnout, it’s low” commentated one of them, yesterday. Even though the vote was today. Or yesterday if you’re reading this tomorrow.
Due to an unknown cause, the number of hits received by the quite frankly mundane and repetitive Gwlad front page have undergone an unforeseen rise in the last few days. A number of front page stories, which often claim to have interviews with famous people but are actually all made up, have actually been read for the first time. “This is amazing news for all associated with Gwlad” said President Barack Obama, probably yesterday. “What’s rugby?” he added later.
Other freak occurrences that Welsh, computer owning rugby fans have witnessed have involved talking to people face to face, watching a rugby game without typing about it and buying the Bonekickers BlueRay on Amazon. “I don’t know what to do” stated Wales saviour James Hook “Without a load of fat blokes whining or championing my game, I’m lost amid a sea of uncertainty. It’s like I’m on the moon or something.” said Wales liability Hook.
Bradley Manning, currently serving in a maximum security prison and suspected of leaking state secrets to WikiLeaks, is eligible to play for Wales, through his Welsh mam. “Well, our injury crisis is getting more crisis-y by the day.” Stated Warren Gatland. “Does he play prop? I’ve already sounded out various people for the vacant tight head spot including Phil John, Cai Griffiths, Peter Francis, Stu Francis, Francis of Assisi and Adam Jones.” added Gatland.
Team Wales have expressed worries that Manning may divulge line out calls to the opposition but then they remembered that we play as if they already know them. When asked how they would ensure Manning makes training on time, Gatland pointed to the 1978 precedent where the whole of the A Team played in the pack against Scotland.