All posts by Benny

Alain Rolland’s French Actually Not That Good.

In a revelation that has SLAMMED international rugby to the core, it’s been claimed that Alain Rolland’s knowledge of the French language isn’t all that. Tom Phillips, who studied French until he didn’t pick it as an option in Form 4, is not impressed by the Irishman’s ‘so-called’ abilities. “He’s not once asked directions for either the library, or whatever a Gar is!” claimed some-time brick-layer Phillips. “I bet he doesn’t even know what ‘piscine’ means. I do. And I haven’t spoken French since I watched that educational relationship video of ‘Les Hommes Grandes sont arrivete VII’ added Phillips.

Paddy O’Brien, chief rugby ref supremo failed to respond to our phone calls. We did, however get through to the New Zealandish Speaking Clock (+New Zealand 001) and they went on record to say that it was “22 hours and 32 minutes precisely eh”?

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Welsh Team World Cup Build-Up In Turmoil

Wales plans for the Rugby World Cup have been rocked before they’ve even started due to a radical training regime. Sources close to a camp have placed the blame on the decision by the management team to use a Venn Diagram during a team talk. “I’m a tall doctor, but even I haven’t got a clue what they were on about.” complained one of the squad’s centres who preferred to remain anonymous. “The props thought it was a picture of a scrum. Some of the team mistook it for a local television channel until they realised that the picture quality was far in advance of anything they’d seen on New Zealand Telly One.” One squad member complained of intense head pain at the concepts that the picture tried to convey “Mongo no like crazy circles!” he stated.

UK Signals Revolution in Energy Policy.

Current UK energy policy is going to go through a radical change, government forces have confirmed. Following England’s recent defeat to Wales, it was decided that the national grid is to harness the power of Neil Warnock’s post-match moaning. “I can’t believe that Wales got so many penalties. To have 2 of them awarded to them so far away from the English goal-line in the dying minutes of the game was a travesty. I’m absolutely livid.” harped on the QPR manager. “And the ref stopped the match 10 minutes early. I mean who pays these guys wages. I hope it’s not the FA!!!!” he continued.

A government spokesman has said that if their predictions are correct, Warnock generated power could mean the UK reaches it’s Kyoto Agreement targets 5 years early. “If we extrapolate this out until 2050, we should be able to start exporting power to the sun.” she concluded.

Andy Powell Phone Hacking Revelations.

Gwlad can exclusively reveal that the hacking scandal, much like public transport, has now hit Wales three weeks after having started off in London. It is alleged that Wales star, Andy Powell’s voicemail has been hacked by paper (or papers) unknown. An insider, whose personality and charisma wishes to remain anonymous, has given Gwlad the low down on this low down activity. “It’s understood that the hacking has revealed over 200 voicemails to Powell’s mobile phone account” stated our source, Deep Heat. “Details have been emerging slowly, but these are said to include 54 calls from Andy Powell himself, after he mislaid the phone somewhere in his flat.” Other exclusive information includes 100+ attempts by Powell to order pizza from himself, and a spate of calls from car insurance salesmen. One conversation where Powell attempted to remind himself about a brilliant idea for a film he’d just had, “Vampire Bikini Commandos”, is believed to still be at the development stage.

Wales On Sunday Increase Royal Coverage

After a random drunken trawl through wikipedia (the lazy man’s Big Book of Facts 1974), Wales on Sunday’s royal correspondent and chief photocopier, Iwan Philips made a huge discovery. “It turns out that Henry VII was born in Wales. This means that his son, Henry VII+1 was technically Wales on Sunday Welsh” shouted Philips down a phoneline at 3 o’clock in the morning. “This is great news for the paper as we can now quote everything he says as being Welsh. Also his kids were eligible to play for Wales. Had rugby existed.”

Academics at The University of Aberystwyth were thrilled at the news. As thrilled as an academic can be. Even more so than when they find a cardigan in a new type of beige wool. ” It all stands to reason.” explained Dr Phil McRack at the newly renamed Aberystwyth and Swansea University College. “For years we’ve wondered why Henry VIII had had so many women and got away with killing two of them and expecting everyone to worship him as the head of a religion. The answer was looking us squarely in the face. He was Welsh.” McRack, senior lecturer at the newly formed University of the West of Wales who will be writing his findings in a journal article that only 4 people will ever read, pointed to wider consequences “It’s now obvious why he had a son who was too weak to even play in the backs and two daughters who hated each other.” The Wales on Sunday wish to celebrate the promotion of Philips with a 20 page summary of all Wales of Sunday Welsh people including Kylie, Rolf Harries, Maureen O’Hara, Hugh Grant, Elvis, Thomas Jefferson and Emlyn Hughes.

Mystery Welsh Star Slams Gat-tics

Gwlad can exclusively reveal that the Welsh camp has been BLASTED by a split around Warren Gatland’s tactics for the team. One player in particular has been very vocal about the move the ball wide, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then kick the ball aimlessly up the field and/or give away a penalty so-called game plan.

The player, who wishes to remain anonymous, poured his heart out to the Top Ten Welsh Rugby Website 1998 Winner. “It’s really frustrating in this system. As a wing, you don’t really get much chance to shine. All I want to do is jink around and score a try by placing the ball down in an unconventional way?” Complained the 34 year old Welsh squad member. “When I think back to when I was growing up in Amman Valley, the boys used to see me playing in the park and they’d go ‘Shane, one day you’ll be playing scrum half for Wales, you just see.’ That made me so proud. And then when I made my debut against France and actually did play for Wales, it was my parents’ turn to feel pride. It was certainly a highlight for the Williams family that night. Even beating my first appearances for the Swansea Ospreys and Neath. Now though, the excitement is a little lost.” complained the 5 foot 7, twice Grand Slam winning British Lion.