All posts by Turkish

Derek the Weatherman “I’m straight”

Straight.  Fact

Straight. Fact

 

 

Wales was again rocked last night after one of it’s most loved superstars made shocking revelations about their sexuality.  Derek “the weatherman” Brockway, much loved star of such shows as BBC Wales 6:30 news and BBC Wales 9:30 news, announced that he was straight.

 

“Straight as a dye” he told a stunned news conference, “you know, girls and stuff”.

 

Visibly stunned newsreader Kevin Owens said “that’s taken the wind right out of my sails.  That’s the last time me and Max have him round for a barbeque”, adding “never in a million years”.

 

Asked what prompted him to make the news public Derek cited the recent actions of former Wales captain Gareth Thomas.  “Not the brave stance he’s taken over declaring his sexuality to a possibly hostile public” said Derek “more because he kept nudging me on Facebook and asking me round for drinks.  I just thought the time had come to set the record straight”.

Wales to beat New Zealand – Believe

Right, it’s like this.

The All Blacks are coming and we’ve got a chance of beating them, same as all the other times we’ve had a chance and then blown it. Some of you may be old enough to remember the golden age of Welsh rugby, some of you won’t. Most of you will remember the age of crap from the 70’s onwards where we lost to not only New Zealand but also everyone else, including Western Samoa, Italy, Canada and Romania. Even the most optimistic amongst will, at some stage, have thought to yourself that Wales were a load of crap and written off their chances ahead of another big game. The players looked like they’d done the same.

Back when I played rugby we always spoke about believing we were going to win. Looking round the dressing room you could always tell who really believed it and who thought we were going to lose. When there were more of the latter we generally lost. All the great teams (New Zealand, South Africa, the Kuwait Nomads) they all believe that they’re going to win. Always. They have an unwavering belief in themselves. Even if they’re down by a few points they never lose that confidence and generally it works out for them. So for Wales to win on Saturday they need to believe. Every player on the pitch needs to know, without doubt, that he’s better than his opposite number and that Wales are going to win. And the players can’t do that if we, the supporters, don’t believe.

So here’s the thing. For this week BELIEVE that Wales are going to win. Live it, breathe it, know that they are going to do it. Remember the glory of 2005 and 2008, remember how good it felt when the boys done good. We’ve got the talent, we’ve got the size and we can beat anyone. Tell your mates, spread the word, Wales are going to win. Believe, believe, believe.

RSPB in bid to save the Ospreys

The rugby world was rocked last night by an announcement that the RSPB are set to stage a forced takeover of struggling Welsh region the Ospreys.

The star studded Ospreys have struggled to get out of first gear this season and suffered an embarrassing home defeat to Irish minnows Leinster on Friday night despite have 32 full internationals in their starting 15. The self styled galacticos are now facing a challenge even greater than that of their team orchestrating a cohesive back line move.

Announcing the move an RSPB spokesman said “the RSPB is committed to the protection of birds and also taking steps to help any birds who are in distress or suffering. That includes both Ospreys and headless chickens. We need to take immediate action to put these Ospreys out of their misery”.

If successful in their bid it is thought that the Liberty stadium car park will be turned into a wetland area and the stands replaced with a couple of bird watching sheds. “We don’t see an issue with capacity” said the RSPB.

Elite Director of Elite Directors Andrew Hore has insisted that the Ospreys can weather this new storm and turn things around on the pitch, adding “Scott Johnson is the right man for the job. Only this morning he had the boys in for a quick chuck around followed by a game of touch rugby and piggy back races”, adding “I know elite when I see it”.

Rick O’Shea is considering his position.

Munster to patent rolling maul

Munster have stunned Glasgow Warriors with the threat of legal action ahead of Friday night’s Magner’s league opener at the Firhill Arena.

Oversize leprechaun Paul O’Connell announced the move at a press conference last night saying, “Munster can proudly reveal that we have successfully patented the rolling maul. It is now for the sole use of Munster rugby and we warn Glasgow that any attempt to use it on Friday night will be treated as a breach of copyright and will trigger legal action. We’ve been illegally stopping teams from playing for years but now we’ve got the paperwork to back us up”.

The maul was set to be heavily used by Glasgow, mainly because their backs can’t run and pass at the same time. They are understood to be frantically trying to come up with some new tactics, so far with no success.

The news will come as another setback to the IRB who have reintroduced the maul following last year’s pointless Experimental Law Variations trial. It is also seen as confirmation of Munster turning their back on passing the ball beyond their outside half. “We tried it and we didn’t like it”, said a jubilant Munster fan “we’re going back to what we like best, 80 minutes of turgid forward play and a few up and unders”.

In further developments, Munster have also taken out patents on being more than 2m offside at the breakdown, killing the ball at rucks and generally moaning when teams do to them as they do to others. Ronan O’ Gara’s attempt to patent being shit at rugby was turned when it was discovered that the patent was already held by Gregor Townsend.

David Camerons calls for Bloodgate Investigation

David Cameron has launched into the Bloodgate debate sweeping through the English premiership by launching a furious broadside at Gordon Brown.  During angry scenes at Prime Minister’s question time Mr. Cameron rounded on Gordon Brown, saying “This is just another example of the government’s inability to lead this country.  We are rapidly becoming the laughing stock of world rugby.  The Conservatives demand that every blood substitution for the last 4 years be investigated by an independent commission,” finishing with his obligatory “what we need is a change of government.”

Angry scenes in the commons

Angry scenes in the commons

Mr Cameron is thought to be lining up former Harlequins coach Dean Richards to lead the investigation.  A Tory party spokesman explained “Dean has been there as a player and a coach at the top end of the game.  Who better to lead this investigation?  Plus, as an ex-policeman he’s bound to be as honest as the day is long.”

Earlier in his web blog Mr. Cameron had promised to cut out the use of blood capsules amongst Tory backbenchers who frequently feign injury to get out of parliamentary debates.  “Anyone found using blood capsules will be subject to party disciplinary procedures and may be thrown out of the party” he said.  CCTV footage of former Welsh office minister and part time mimester John Redwood taking a blood capsule out of his sock then being ushered out of the house of commons and into a nearby pub by Anne Widdecombe has been taken off Utube for legal reasons.

RFU boss Francis Baron has been sceptical about Mr. Cameron’s motives saying “it’s just another bandwagon for the Tories to ride.  It’ll be gay pride next week.”

Percy Montgomery to undergo gender test

South African sport was rocked by another scandal last night after it emerged that SARFU had demanded that Percy Montgomery undergo a gender test.  The move follows an independent review of South African players expense submissions from the 2007 World Cup Finals and is being likened to the furore surrounding 800m he/she runner Caster Semenya being forced to prove he/she is a woman.

Former Newport stalwart Rod Snow says the Newport squad always had their doubts about Montgomery.  “He’d turn up for training in his kit then go straight home again without changing.  He said he had a state of the art power shower in his home in Liswerry and preferred to use that.  We did see him naked a few times after away matches but just assumed he was doing that thing where you stick your cock and balls between your legs and pretend you’re a woman.  The boys love that.”

The move could see all future Springboks having to prove their gender before being allowed to don the Green jersey a SARFU spokesman revealed, adding “we’ve got a proud record of discrimination in our country and this just adds another string to our bow.”

Gary Teichmann, former Newport skipper, leapt to his countryman’s defence saying “Percy’s got nothing to prove.  He’s done everything possible in rugby and no one can take that away.  He’s got nothing to hide”.  However, when pressed by Gwlad for details of the Newport preseason tour of Bangkok in 2000 Teichman would only say “What goes on tour stays on tour”.

Francois Pienaar refused to comment.

Percy Montgomery (left)

Percy Montgomery (left)