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Wilkinson’s Hair Explodes

A destructive hurricane swept across the continent yesterday after the whole of Wales and Ireland and a tiny minority of Scotland breathed a collective sigh of relief following the tragic deaths of most of the England squad after Johnny Wilkinson’s hair exploded on the team bus.

An investigation is underway but early reports suggest that, unable to deal with the stilted social exchanges of the England squad, Wilkinson’s hair self-combusted in an explosion of emotional intensity after catching sight of a baguette brought onto the bus by James Haskell. In a press release the RFU have blamed the emotional freedom experienced by the hair after two years living in France. ‘No.’

Commented Martin Johnson, who despite being on the bus at the time was too busy drawing smiley faces to notice the explosion. Chris Ashton, who swallow dived to safety, was too busy celebrating in front of his former team-mates to comment, whilst the only other survivor, Wilkinson’s torso and limbs, was practising its place kicking.

In Wales the news has overshadowed the fact that Warren Gatland has now metamorphosised into Graham Henry, circa 2002.

Talent should be kept in Wales

James Hook is set to sign for Perpignan while Lee Byrne, Craig Mitchell and Tommy Bowe have all been linked to other clubs. It’s disappointing to lose such Welsh talent but is it really that bad? There have been unconfirmed reports that one of Wales’ esteemed sports journalists is being head hunted by Rupert Murdoch to join one of his news media organisations. The effect I believe on Welsh rugby would be cataclysmic.

The Paper who already have a 40 year plan to replace him when he retires had a crisis meeting yesterday. Thomson House said last night that it did not rule out asking the Welsh Assembly to provide the funding to keep him in Wales. Some may argue this is extreme but these are the type of nutjobs who think that a maul lives under the garden. They like to fill their time writing to ‘Points of View’ to complain about the amount of sport on TV and must therefore be ignored at all costs.

The paper was the first to notice that James Hook had been playing out of position for the Ospreys and Wales. Coaches such as Clive Woodward, Ian McGeechan and Warren Gatland somehow rate Stephen Jones very highly and keep picking him for Lions tours. Even more dramatically he even gets the nod for the test matches. The paper hints at a conspiracy which allows the double grand slam winning and former French League player of the season to be picked above others when you might ask, what has he done?

The ability to see the trees and the wood and the bark for the leaves is typical of this type of sports journalist. The paper which currently holds the record for the use of the words ‘superb’ and ‘mesmerising’ in one article was the first to coin the tag ‘galacticos’ when referring to Real Madrid. The journalist in question last night said “what people don’t realise is if I had been a few inches taller I would have been as good as James Hook, a few more inches and pounds then I would have been up there with Jerry Collins”.

The journalist, who lives in a bedsit above the Top Gun chip shop in Whitchurch cannot be named for legal reasons.

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Thomas Backs Light Brigade Turnaround

Wales’ lineout captain and gay pride mascot Jonathan Thomas has backed the Light Brigade to bounce back from disappointment, once they’ve “ironed out some basic errors.” The crack outfit, whose last run out was in the Crimean War, were famously hammered by an unfancied Russian unit.

“War is about winning and loosing. And Katherine Jenkins.” mused the sage. “Really, just those few loose canon, and some bad decision making across the park, cost them the match,” dribbled Thomas. “If it weren’t for that, they’d be one up in the rubber and looking for a series victory.”

Thomas, who holds a history degree from the University of Maesteg, was able to share some further historical perspective: “ Their coach, the Earl of Cardigan, was cruelly dumped but went on the invent the sandwich.”

Media Fails

Rumours that Mike “Fuddy” Cuddy has bought into the South Wales Evening Post in a bid to rival Rupert Murdoch as a media magnet (sic) gained momentum today after it was revealed by a sauce close to the self-styled fat bastard that recent headline grabbing incidents are all part of a ruse to “shift copy” of the reejunal newspaper and further strengthen the coffers of the Ospreys Big Man and the Black and White Cheating Bastards(© Leicester RFC).

In a move that is likely to shake Welsh rugby to its core, “the self-styled” “One True Region” has once again gone behind the back of the traditional Welsh media outlets and has started to create its own headlines.

Not content with the furore that nearly brought the oval ball game to its knees “Subgate” where 16th man, No.15, Tan Fan and Gold-Digga Lee “look at me” Byrne decided “all by himself” to turn the 15 man game into “one in, all in” fiasco, it then emerged that the “Galactico’s” had the audacity to “sign” Springbok barrel Ricardo Januarie for “3 months” whilst all along planning to play him for merely 8 weeks, before returning him whence he came, fitter, slimmer and a month light in his pay packet.

As the dust settled on Landore’s Loony Liberty Stadium, allegations emerge that the “management” at the Swansea (and Neath!) based “region” planned all along for Cai (rhymes with Pie) Griffiths (rhymes with shite) to throw himself recklessly into a ruck last weekend, knowing the headlines of “Cai Griffiths sighted” would have rugby supporters across the land scratching their heads as well as their arses, allowing natural curiosity and nosiness to get the better of them and a general clamour for the sports-section of the newspaper would ensue.

In a final twist, it has emerged that the high-flying Ospreys have cancelled next weeks game with Ulster; the announcement perfectly timed for the low-selling Friday edition of the SWEP to scream the headline “Ospreys flight-less for Friday”.

No-one was available for comment at the spectator-less, soulless ground this afternoon, aside one hand proffering the now traditional “Nescafe wave” from an upper window and a short note tacked to the front door reading “We have no comment to make, but our lawyers have instructed us to publish a small legal statement that will be available to read in Saturday’s Evening Post.”

Rumours of Charlotte Church appearing in a page 3 style “all-out” spread in Monday’s edition of the paper are so far unconfirmed.