Specialist rugby broadcaster S4C, which also operates an occasional sideline in cultural programming for Welsh language viewers, is bidding for semi-exclusive TV rights for the Rugby World Cup next year.

“With ITV Sport having already sewn up a multi-million pound deal to broadcast matches live in English, we feel we have something unique to offer our 4,700 regular Welsh language viewers plus the 1.7m other people who wouldn’t mind seeing a highlights programme with the sound turned down,” commented S4C’s Programming Arch-Druid, Idris ap Idris.

According to insiders at the UK’s most prolific broadcaster of rugby programmes, S4C expects to pick up the rights from “the daft saes” in exchange for £28.50, a bottle of Brecon Gin, and four day-passes to the Oakwood Leisure and Theme Park.
Meanwhile, ITV is planning to front its typically over-excited and hilariously inept coverage with that cute little Irish fella who hosts the channel’s flagship “Premiership at 3am” show, and are in negotiations with the family of Jim Rosenthal over the exhumation of his body in time for the opening ceremony.

Following the Western Mail’s lead in dredging up any old rugby-related crap to talk about in the absence of actual fixtures or compelling transfer gossip, Gwlad is ready to lift the lid on how former Wales international prop Christian Loader feels about traffic management in 2010.

“Back when I learnt how to drive, it was in a car rather than in a line-out which is where today’s props have to concentrate so much of their tactical driving play,” said Loader, while being encouraged to do so by an increasingly bored and desperate rugby reporter.  “What’s more, people who don’t indicate at roundabouts are like opposing props who eye-gouge.  Consideration is what I’m talking about.”

Another extremely interesting fact about Christian Loader is the origin of his name.  “It comes from Roman times, when Christian Loaders were in big demand by the amphitheatres,” he added, with trademark uncompromising relish. 

Next week:  Ex-Wales wing replacement Simon Hill reflects on telephone switchboards.

In a shock move which will send ripples of terror through the corridors of power at HQ, the people who are in charge of this sort of thing have decided that English rugby dirge “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” is no longer the officially most annoying noise to be heard in international sports arenas.

The honour now passes to the plastic trumpets, or Vuvuzelas, currently annoying the hell out of everyone watching and listening to the association rules football world cup. Apparently it’s a big thing and is being held in South Africa. I thought they played rugby there. Philistines.

A spokesman for the RFU, Nigel Fuckbucket-Smythe, was incandescent: “Ever since the chariot song reared its ugly head during the 80s, Twickenham has had something unique to identify it above other sporting venues. Now the only unique selling points we have left are our proximity to Tesco’s and our selection of overpriced fish and chips.”

Rugby chatsite unter-troll Seamus SaesO’Troll9 reflected sadly yesterday when, 3 years after joining Facebook he has yet to find a single friend. “I did have someone following me on Twitter” he stated yesterday via a keyboard while sitting there in nothing but his pants “right up to the moment that I made my first tweet which was a hilarious exclusive about how Ryan Jones had failed to score a try. AGAIN!!!!! At that point my one existing follower decided to block me. Which is a pity because it seemed that Kandy, from California, had access to a special deal on V1agra tablets that she was willing to let me in on. And believe me, I need as much help as I can get to get it up these days, what with me never meeting any women. Apparently having a sense of humour that hasn’t moved on since I was 12 isn’t as much of a positive boon when it comes to meeting the ladies as I had previously hoped.”

Strapping 6’5”, 17st 9lb colossus Jonathan Thomas is counting his lucky stars this week having won an all-expenses paid trip to the other side of the gainline.  Thomas, who plies his trade as a professional rugby player when not turning out for the Wales senior XV, will reportedly pick up his prize from coaching supremo Warren Gatland once hell has frozen over.

“I’ve been to the gainline a few times during my 56 cap Wales career but now I’ve got the chance to actually cross it I’m near enough weeing myself in anticipation,” commented Thomas.  “Normally there is somebody in the way stopping you going any further, which can get pretty frustrating let me tell you.  Hell should freeze over any day now Gats says, now that pig flying season is in full swing.”

Thomas remains the only Wales back-row not to have crossed the gainline since namesake Arwel was selected at No.8 for the ill-fated 96-13 reverse at Bloemfontein. 

JT was also the victim of harsh criticism from some quarters during last weekend’s thrilling ebb and flow car-crash against the Springboks.  “In fairness to Jonathan, he hasn’t played more than about 85% of his rugby at blindside flanker over the last 10 years, and it was hard to come into an unfamiliar Wales set up and learn all of the highly complex and intellectually nuanced calls that we use with Andy Powell,” claimed forwards beaster Robin McBryde.  “RUN!!! – for instance. THAT WAY!!! Stuff like that.”

Dried antelope munching South African rugby bods are preparing to spout rubbish ahead of their crunch match against the mighty Wales, as injuries, withdrawals, omissions and a general sense of malaise threaten to cut their likely points victory from around 40 points down to nearer 15.

“We are definitely underdogs, there is no doubt about that,” said coach Pieter de Villiers, wearing a clown’s outfit and blowing a commemorative ‘World Champions’ plastic horn.  “We have no recognised players available.  Most of our bench are amateur swimmers – such are the visa problems imposed by the Welsh Government Assembly.  If we win then it will be a right turn up for the books.”

Over in the Wales camp, staff are busily scotching rumours that they fancy their chances.  “Ey up,” commented assistant coach Shaun Edwards.  “One word: complete and utter shite.”

Warren Gatland meanwhile is not letting counterproductive mind-games get in the way of his, or his team’s preparation.   “The South Africas are still a great big bunch of racists, did you know that?  We all know that.  But no-one says anything.  Do you know where Mandela lives nowadays?  In a prison that’s been made to look like a nice big house.  Shocking I know.  But they hate the Welsh the most.  It’s the colour red.  We’ve got to front up to them chucking xenophobic slurs around like they were toffees.  Politically incorrect toffees that don’t like gays I might add.”

Perennial Welsh flagbearers in Europe, Llanelli Scarlets have finally secured a place in next year’s European Rugby Cup. In a thrilling match, three second half tries for the Welsh Standalone Club secured the Scarlets place at the European top table in 2010/2011.

“It was a nervy finish with Toulon throwing it all at the Welsh team in the last few minutes, but after a long hard season, I’ve just sat the players in the bar after the match and told them that I believed in them. That helped us pull through in the end.” said Llanelli boss Nigel Davies as he was mobbed by over-joyed Welshmen.

Regan King, who didn’t even make the plane out to Marseille, was overjoyed. “I’ve hid a lut abit pishun ind proid ov the Wilsh, but it jist goes to showe wut you cin do win you mix the Wilsh haaaart with Kiwi grut.” he said, speaking through his translator. His views were echoed by Scarlets all time top scorer, Stephen Jones “It’s not often that I don’t get on the scoresheet myself, so I was a bit nervy but the lads pulled through. This is a proud day for all of us here at Parc Y Llanelli. It just goes to show that West IS best.”

In other news, Swansea sports shops today dealt with a record product return of Holland soccer shirts.

Llanelli Scarlets are to go into massive debt (again) in order to bankroll a bid for the new $40m synthetic lifeform, it has been revealed by the Western Mail. Talking to one of their “reporters” Soaraway Scarlets Supremo, Nigel Davies stated “This is a high profile signing for the region. Once again we’ve shown that we are not shy at spending money to provide back-up at tighthead.” This follows the recent set back in failing to sign either Species 8472 or a Predator. “There are two main advantages that the sythetic life form has over these” stated Davies “1. It actually exists and 2. There aren’t any complicated image rights.”

In a rugby bombshell, Alan Philips, who does stuff for the Wales team has stated he’ll take more of a quieter roll in his work with Team Wales. He’s believed to have talked of only doing the half time interview for half of the Wales games in future and to perhaps outsource the numbering of team socks to the private sector.

This radical change has been seen as a first step in merging Wales with their Irish counterparts in a move that the IRFU think will halt the stated Wal-Eng Pact, dead in its tracks. “We share a proud, shared heritage of hating the English, selling t-shirts with Celtic crosses on them, having a large proportion of the population with red hair and still being in a shit league” shouted Shillally O’Mc Doughnal late last night while punching his cousin playfully around the eye.

“This is great news for those that buy into all this celtic cousin bollocks.” said Llangennech’s own Huw Edwards. “However, I don’t really follow much about rugby these days as I’m more of a newsreader. I was at the Pope’s funeral, you know! Not the nazi pope. The nice one. The one on all those cups they sold in Pontcana fields in the early 80s”.

The move does have it’s problems. It’s thought that Wales and Ireland won’t be able to form a good enough team on their own and may have to rely on a couple of Scottish, some Celtic League Italians and perhaps a couple of nutters from Cornwall. “Y Grwp Enfys” will also have internal difficulties marrying together Wales’ ability to find new and exciting ways to lose with Ireland’s cheat at all costs raison d’etre. Graham Symonds of Sky Sports was heard as saying “NO! You can’t do that. What about England and their super Guinness Premiership and wonder Johnny. WAHHHH! WAHHHH!!!”