Blues chaircushion Peter Thomas is threatening to cut diplomatic pies with Cardiff City bignobs Peter Ridsdale and the little oriental chap following a class action court injunction lodged by lawyers on behalf of Hornby, Subbuteo and Sylvanian Families.

With just days to go until the start of the new rugby season, the Blues could be prevented from playing matches at their home stadium in Leckwith as the ground is allegedly deemed to “infringe several patents” including Melchester Rovers’ Mel Park c.1972, Tidmouth Sheds on the Island of Sodor, and The Cow Barn at Bluebell Coppice. 

“The sad, tragic little model enthusiasts have got a very good case in my opinion,” commented a legal expert who almost certainly (well, definitely) doesn’t exist.  “The three modelcraft manufacturers on the other hand; I’m not so sure.”

Thomas Carrots Moron Jenkins has hit on a great new way of learning Welsh. “All I do is twice a day change my middle names to a word in English and its Welsh counterpart. People always remember their own names. This idea has literally no drawbacks.” explained Thomas Nose Trwyn Jenkins yesterday. “It was a bit slow when I started out but now I’ve decided to only use useful words. I’ve even got the whole family involved” he said pointing out his two children Iolo Glan Clwyd Hospital Ysbyty Glan Clwyd and Johnny Welsh Blood Service Gwasanaeth Gwaed Cymru. “Daddy, please stop” they both screamed playfully.

Heralded as the rugby competition with participants from more countries than any other (apart from the Six Nations, World Cup, Heineken Cup and the Amber Gambler Trophy) it’s the annual build up to the start of the annual Magner’s League start.

The wise money is on a photo-shoot with all the captains of the respective teams and the cup/plate/whatever the hell it is, I couldn’t pick it out of a line up at one of those shops that sells trophies, mends shows and polishes keys. Well most of the captains at least. Some won’t be arsed to travel so they’ll send a vice-captain. Some may even send an ex-player (or as they call them in Llanelli, a member of the coaching set up). If I were the captain of Benetton Treviso, (who, if my Italian hasn’t failed me is called Piazza Trentin) I wouldn’t travel half the way across Europe to have my photo taken in the sodding rain in Dublin.

There may even be some pretty girls in the photos. Not literally girls, I mean in the sexist sense of fully grown women. Although it is taking place in Dublin so that’s unlikely.

This year’s competition marks a first in that the league now has more members not less as is usually the case like when we lost the South Edinburgh Reivers and the Rhondda Cynon Taffs.

A popular Sunday “newspaper”, The Weekend Entrapment has revealed that several All Black forwards may be involved in a betting scandel that could ROCK the rugby world’s foundations and leave them crashing down onto their heads.

It is claimed that through a complicated and frankly quite mundane betting scam, All Black forwards would carry out certain pre-ordained acts that had been bet on by a crooked betting syndicate. Not one of those nice betting syndicates that you’re always hearing about, but a crooked one.

The middle man claimed that New Zealand forwards would be offside at a ruck during the third and tenth minutes of the recent game against Australia. They would also be offside during the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 11th and all other subsequent minutes of the match.

The ICC have so far failed to look into the matter. “We are the international governing body for cricket” a spokesman stated yesterday. “Rugby is an entirely different sport to cricket. This has nothing to do with us.” they whined.

YES. It’s finally here. Just 8 years after the start of Pop Idle (sub editor, can you check that out for me?), Gwlad has jumped youthfully onto the reality tv bandwagon for it’s own high money, low content poll of polls.

This week’s question:

“Who was better, Nicky Griffiths or Justin Marshall?”

Answers on a postcard (remember them?), text or tweet to 0555 GWLAD-IS-SHIT. The winner gets to keep Nicky Griffiths.

(Please Note: Phone calls to a number that consists entirely of numbers is invalid. You are only allowed to phone the number 0555 GWLAD-IS-SHIT with the letters and hyphens).

Rugby great Dan ‘-na!” Carter played outside half for both New Zealand and the All Blacks at No. 10. The record scoring kiwi outside half was remembered fondly for fitting in well between whoever was playing at inside 4/12th and the back 5 quarter positions for his country. The silver fern star is most noted for his part in guiding his team to several Try-Nations victories and failing to add to his two international drop-goals while losing the 2007 Rugby World Cup quarter final to France. Experts have pointed out that this was in part due to his not being on the pitch at the time however that wouldn’t have stopped Barry John. Or Bleddyn Bowen.

But where is he now? Dan currently is still actively involved in rugby in his native New Zealand spreading the gospel of the fifteen-a-side code through numerous marketing campaigns and sponsorship deals. “Rigby is just like one big femily and it’s an honour and a privilige to be invilved in the gaaaaame at what ever level I can reach” is the kind of thing that he might say if we ever got to talk to him. But what about coaching kids Dan, you big fat loser*? “Na. There’s no money in it” said a Dan Carter lookalike that we did manage to talk to. I mean he’s not THAT much like Dan Carter. More Jimmy Carter if you ask me, but if it’s dark and you squint and he talks while breathing in some helium off of a balloon, then he could fool someone. Someone who has no idea who Dan Carter is.

Next week on Gwlad asks “Rugby Where Are They Now?” No. 28. we ask whither British Lion, Wales and Celtic Warrior’s Gethin Jenkins?

* Gwlad’s lawyers would like to point out that although they only specialise in family law (divorces and shit) that Dan Carter is neither fat nor a loser. Except in the 2007 world cup. Where they only lost one game. Which is one more than New Zealand lost in the 2010 footie world cup. He may be big though. Gwlad’s lawyers COULDN’T BE ARSED to look on wikipedia to find out how tall or weightful (it’s a word, I checked) Dan is. Well I looked. And unlike divorce lawyers, I don’t charge £300 an hour to end up losing me all my house to THAT BITCH! A fat lot of good they turned out to be. Okay, so I used to slap her occasionally but a good lawyer can make that kind of thing sound positive. It’s called ‘getting results’! Anyway, he is in fact 94 kilos. However much that is! I suppose imagine you’re carrying 94 1 kilo bags of sugar. It’d be like that. Although less harmful to your health.

Shocked and relieved Gwladers were both shocked and then relieved to find out that even though Gwlad chat has gone for a ‘quiet lie down out of the sun’ the front page is still working.

“This is amazing. I only found out that the forum had shut down five months ago, and now someone tells me the front page is still there.” tweeted IHateAllSaes68, who for a 42 year old, really should get out more. “At least now I can read comments to the totally made up stories / amazing exclusive interviews as there is nowhere else I can find out about V1agr@ prices” he added, on his blog “Of Saes and Men”.

Specialist rugby broadcaster S4C, which also operates an occasional sideline in cultural programming for Welsh language viewers, is bidding for semi-exclusive TV rights for the Rugby World Cup next year.

“With ITV Sport having already sewn up a multi-million pound deal to broadcast matches live in English, we feel we have something unique to offer our 4,700 regular Welsh language viewers plus the 1.7m other people who wouldn’t mind seeing a highlights programme with the sound turned down,” commented S4C’s Programming Arch-Druid, Idris ap Idris.

According to insiders at the UK’s most prolific broadcaster of rugby programmes, S4C expects to pick up the rights from “the daft saes” in exchange for £28.50, a bottle of Brecon Gin, and four day-passes to the Oakwood Leisure and Theme Park.
Meanwhile, ITV is planning to front its typically over-excited and hilariously inept coverage with that cute little Irish fella who hosts the channel’s flagship “Premiership at 3am” show, and are in negotiations with the family of Jim Rosenthal over the exhumation of his body in time for the opening ceremony.

Following the Western Mail’s lead in dredging up any old rugby-related crap to talk about in the absence of actual fixtures or compelling transfer gossip, Gwlad is ready to lift the lid on how former Wales international prop Christian Loader feels about traffic management in 2010.

“Back when I learnt how to drive, it was in a car rather than in a line-out which is where today’s props have to concentrate so much of their tactical driving play,” said Loader, while being encouraged to do so by an increasingly bored and desperate rugby reporter.  “What’s more, people who don’t indicate at roundabouts are like opposing props who eye-gouge.  Consideration is what I’m talking about.”

Another extremely interesting fact about Christian Loader is the origin of his name.  “It comes from Roman times, when Christian Loaders were in big demand by the amphitheatres,” he added, with trademark uncompromising relish. 

Next week:  Ex-Wales wing replacement Simon Hill reflects on telephone switchboards.